After Xmas Blues

Do you ever find yourself so freaking miserable during the holidays? I do. I miss my family so very much. The ones I've lost; the ones I don't speak to anymore; the ones that are so far away. And the fact that I have "family" here in KY that act like a bunch of selfish stupid idiots doesn't help. Maybe I'm being uncharitable, but it just seems that way to me...

For anyone that knows us, you know that Baby B has had health issues all his life. Being a preemie and then being exposed to RSV had a lot to do with it. The fact that he stopped breathing in the nursery the day after he was born and flown to Kosair Children's Hospital has a lot to do with my protectiveness. So Sue Me! He has had the same pediatrician his whole life. The guy has all the warmth of an igloo, but he is very professional and intelligent. Not to mention that he geniunely cares for his patients. He has been doing this for more than 30 years. B has been in the hospital at least 4 times for pneumonia. One of those times was very scary. The Doc was very positive about his recovery and stopped by daily to make sure he was progressing. Basically, I trust the guy. Also, I know my son. I know what sets his little lungs off. I know how he reacts to different things. So here is my dilemma: my FIL smokes a pipe. Not a terrible thing, but it hurts my little man's lungs. Even if he is not smoking around him, it is still in the house. You know it has to be when you come home from their place reeking of smoke!! The boy loves to visit his grandparents. I have to be the bad guy and keep him out of there for the time being. He spent a few days in their house in October when I went to the wedding and he still has not recovered. He has been to the Doc twice with bronchitis and we have basically been doing breathing treatments since (I just recently stopped when he began to do better). So I definitely did not want him over there to start the cycle all over again. Yes, he goes to preschool. Yes, we took him to the skate rink for his big sis's birthday. There is one thing these two places have in common: NO SMOKING. The Doc has said that smoking will cause flare-ups. He is not allergic to the cats...he does have issues with seasonal allergies and we do have several children in the house that go to three different schools. He will be exposed to germs. That is a good thing...we need to build his immune system. Smoking is not something he can tolerate at this time. Now I have not banned these people from my house. They can come by at any time and see the grandkids. They just don't feel like they should. They have a problem with my mom being there...she lives there for cryin' out loud! She does go upstairs when they come by to try to make it more "comfortable" for them. She does not like my MIL. Why should she? The woman constantly points out what a terrible daughter-in-law she has to MY mom. Shouldn't she be offended? Anyway, the point is they have the choice. They choose to make me the bad guy. I mean how the hell would I know what is wrong with my own child? I am a terrible parent anyway, so what could I possibly add to the issue? Hmmmm, being a parent for 18 + years means nothing I guess. And I'm sure the fact that only one of their three sons feeling like he can go to their house without an issue makes them parents of the year! Their oldest can't even speak to them because of how much they disrespect his wife and him come to think of it. Yes, he could have made better choices and treated his parents with more respect, but isn't it our job as parents to SET THE EXAMPLE?! That is what I am trying to do. Do you even know how hard it is to respond in a positive way when your child asks you why her gramma doesn't like you? That's not what is said to my face, but I guess I shouldn't expect honesty right? I mean, it's not like I can talk to them about it. It just causes more hate and discontent to even bring any of this up. I am in a quandry. I would like my hubby to say something to his parents besides just deal with it because that is the way it is. I'd love for him to let them know in no uncertain terms that their actions are a direct cause of our pulling away from them. But he can't. They don't understand and they will just be more hateful to our kids. And of course, my BIL is getting his shots in now. This Xmas was especially hard on us. B was ill. He woke up at 3 a.m. Xmas morning vomitting. My BIL would say I'm just making it up. It's all an act. Because I am just trying to be difficult. He hates women and it wouldn't matter if I was Mother Theresa. He's an ass!
So that's where I am at. My hubby is in the middle. He is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Am I wrong for wanting him on my side? After all, he picked me to be his wife. He didn't get to pick his family...I would just hate to see us divorce over his family. That just seems so wrong...Roger refuses to talk to his parents, Rod is divorced so he has no issue, and we are somewhere in between...what do we do?

Oh, man...

I was re-reading my last couple of posts. I am a crazy person. It's as simple as that. R read my post. He was not thrilled to say the least. "Makes me sound like a real asshole. Thanks." Well, if the anus fits. No, not really. R's a good guy. I just get so frustrated sometimes. I have accepted that R needs his time. I'm completely fine with it. I just need mine too. That's not too much to ask is it?

Manders will be home from college in two weeks. She doesn't go back until mid-January, but the fact is, she is going back. She has already registered for classes. More than this semester if that is even possible. 15 credit hours! And she's looking for another job when she gets back. I think she may be figuring out that this is the best option for her to get out of this cycle of poverty. I know what you're thinking: you don't seem like a poor person. I suppose not. I have a vehicle that runs (most of the time). A house (with a mortgage). Some food on the table. Can't be that bad right? Well, I guess not, if you don't take into consideration the collection calls I ignore every day. If you don't take into consideration that my kids sleep on mattresses on the floors of their "rooms". C sleeps in the entry to the upstairs, next to the stairway. K sleeps on one side of a big room with Mema and B in the middle and M on the other end. Mema and B have beds off the floor. Mema is having tooth pains I can do nothing about. Not to mention Christmas this year is looking freaking abysmal. Gifts? Ha! I have no health insurance available to me. Of course, if I quit my job and live on welfare, I would be covered! Damn that work ethic! I try not to think about this all the time, but here's the rub: it's what causes my depression. Too much on my mind. These things do bother me. The future terrifies me...

I can't think about it right now. Maybe something a little nicer to think about...

R has been very attentive the last couple of days. He said to me yesterday: "I don't need you to survive, but I need you to live." How freaking awesome is that?! And in case he is reading this again...I love it when you put your arm around me in public. I love it when you sit by me on the couch watching Discovery channel with your hand on my knee. I love it when you smack my ass when you walk past me in the house. Touch me now and then, k? It makes me wanna.....

Okay, I gotta get back to life stuff. More ramblings at a later date.

And more

I spoke to my mom. I told her everything I was feeling. Even about her. And damn her if she wasn't understanding! Now I feel like a complete idiot. I think I need to see a doc and so does Mom. Maybe I have an imbalance or something...

Hate Spews Forth...

I have not been myself lately. I think that it is distinctly possible that I am seriously depressed. It is harder and harder for me to do the simplest things. I know that there are folks with harder lives. I know it’s just a matter of “acceptance” (I don’t need another f-ing lecture, thanks). I know this. I have been a flippin’ parent for more than 18 years. I think I may possibly know what I’m doing. A little bit.
Maybe it would help if I could get all this crap out of my head. I am so mad at so many people right now. I want to let it go. It’s only hurting me. Not them. Because I DON’T SAY A WORD! Why, you ask? Because I hate conflict. Absolutely hate it. So what do I do? Well, hopefully blogging it out will help.
First and foremost, let me say this: I love my hubby. I love my mom. I love my kids. But right now you wouldn’t know it. I am hateful.
I am tired of hearing how bad I’ve screwed up the kids. A is having a hard time in college. She is scared of everything. Every time things get hard she wants to come home. I tell her to stay there and work through it. It’s the only way she will get stronger. My mom says to me that I am too hard on her and she should never have gone off to college. She should just stay home for a year and work. Well, you and I both know that a child that is that fearful of everything just needs to be booted out of the nest. She won’t go back! Maybe she will. I don't know.
Yeah, I know that C is a lump. I don’t know what else to say about that. He is lazy and doesn’t have any ambition. That is something we can’t change. I can force him to do things, but what exactly would the point be to that? It’s not him doing it. When he leaves home in two years, he may or may not rise to the challenge. I am just sick of hearing how hard I am on him as well. Or I’m not hard enough. Well, which is it?
K is a drama queen. No, really? I hadn’t noticed. Could it possibly be because she gets so many conflicting view points? Should I be pissed that both of her grandmothers tore down any self esteem the child may have developed? Tearing down the cheerleading that she was so freakin’ good at? She doesn’t want to do anything now. She won’t even try. So thanks folks! And yeah, Mom. You are harder on her than you are on everyone else. I don’t know where that animosity comes from. You did it to me as well. You know you did.
B is a little turd. Yeah he is. I spoil him rotten. I don’t make him mind. You’re right. I don’t. I’ve lost the will. I am always wrong. I can’t do it anymore.
And Ru. Well, what can I say about you? As much as I love you, I knew what I was marrying. But I did it anyway. So now I just have to accept it. Accept that my job is to be there for you. With no questions. To deal with your need to be with the guys every now and then. To deal with your need to play music to the exclusion of the entire household. I do this. I do it without complaint because I UNDERSTAND it! But the minute I may need to go do something for myself, you are left…how did you put it…oh, yeah…”holding the bag”. Funny, I don’t recall ever saying anything to that effect to you. It just serves to make me feel guilty for not being there for you and the kids 24/7. You leave me alone with the kids EVERY day. I get up with the kids every morning and get them ready for school. You are asleep the whole time. I don’t ask you to do it unless I am so sick I can’t move. How many times has that happened? Once in the last six years! Then, I come home every night to get homework completed and dinner on the table. Sure, we do eat leftovers and crap more than we should. Because I don’t want to do anything anymore!!! I don’t have the energy or haven’t you noticed? After dinner, it’s bath time and bedtime. Usually, you are strolling in sometime between bath time and bedtime. Don’t I normally look frazzled? So yeah, I’m going to be a flippin’ bum and sit on the couch in front of the tube even with your disdain. I just want to lose myself. I don’t want to run screaming from the house. That is what I feel like doing…So what if I sit down on a Saturday morning and read with the kids running around making a mess? Who cares. It gets cleaned up eventually. Who says the house has to be spotless all the damn time? Oh yeah. That would be your mom. That is a whole new barrel of fun to open up. Your mom. Wow, I don’t think I have ever met someone so judgmental in my whole life. At least I can talk to my mom about what she does. She may get mad about it, but she does see reason occasionally. Your mother hates me. She does. And not only that, but she treats our children badly. You talk about my mom’s sarcasm? Huh! Have you ever heard your mom talk about K’s butt? It’s no wonder the child refuses to wear anything nice. It is not too small! She looks perfect to me…And when will you say anything to her? Oh that’s right. Why should you bother? She is never going to change or see reason. You have already told me that. I just need to “accept” it. HA! How about her accepting that I am not going to run away because she is mean to me? How about her accepting that my way of raising the kids is not hers and that’s how it is going to be!?! You know, I may not be perfect, but I am the best that I can be most of the time. Our kids are good kids. They have issues, but what person on this planet doesn’t?? Good grief!

So I’m angry. And I’m hurt. And I’m confused. I’ll figure it out. I always do, don’t I?!

And the hate does nothing but hurt everyone. Are you hurt now? I bet you are...I'm sorry...

Being married

THIS POST IS NOT FOR CHILDREN!!!!!

I read. A lot. I mean, really…a lot. And frankly, I am so very tired of reading these ridiculous romance novels where the sex is always so flippin’ great and the men can go over and over and over again. I mean, seriously, girls, how many times can your man get it up? Once, if we’re lucky. Right? So I thought I would post a little something about married sex…

So R and I go at it whenever it’s convenient. Having a bunch of kids and a mother-in-law in the house is not very conducive to wild monkey love! We don’t always have the freshly shaved leg/crotch combo that we both so enjoy…Hey, you take what you can get, right?! This morning was one such incident. Kids didn’t have school today so I had an extra 45 minutes in bed this morning. So, I set the alarm for regular time figuring I’d hit the snooze a couple extra times before I roll out and get an early start on the day. Well, the boy didn’t come crawl into bed last night so I actually got a little rest. The alarm goes off and I hit the snooze. I then proceed to snuggle up to the hubby for warmth. Lo and behold there is a visible change in the man’s body if you know what I mean. It’s quiet, the kids are asleep (so is hubby, but not for long), let’s do this thing. There’s a little groping and rubbing, then I invariably have to pee. Oh yeah, that’s sexy as hell. I figure while I’m in there I’ll gargle a little so not to sear the eyebrows with dragon breath. I crawl back into bed and hubby is completely nude. So much for subtlety. So I oblige by stripping off myself. I do a little stroking and such for a few and that is the extent of the foreplay. Nice. I’m not exactly warmed up but the tugging from the hubby clearly indicates that he wants me to climb up top. Okay. So up I go and in he goes. Just like that. It’s good at first and then the numbness sets in. This is from the unlucky snip from the good ol’ doc. At this point, it’s more like going through the motions because R is certainly enjoying this position and it turns me on to see him turned on. It’s just a shame that I can’t feel all of it!! Dammit! Then the joy of all joys I get a thigh cramp. You know, the big muscle. Freakin’ hurts! So I jump off and lay there punching my leg. Cramp goes away; hubby crawls over top and finishes it off. Missionary was better but still not great. I came close to the big O (on top and underneath) but because of the numbness, it just sort of drops off. That’s what it feels like. Sort of coming to a cliff, looking over the side, prepping to jump and then walking away. A little anti-climactic. The snuggling afterward is good. Woulda went back to sleep but had to get up for work. So there it is. Married sex!
Now don’t get me wrong. It is not always like that. We’ve had some wild romps in hotel rooms and cars that were HOT (remember exit 41, sweetie!)! Unfortunately, those are few and far between. Oh well, I’ve still got 14 years left before the kids are gone. Maybe I’ll still have a sex drive left…

Ridiculous

So today is my birthday. No big deal, but thanks for the congrats. I lived another year and I am grateful.

I haven't had much time to blog lately, but I have had so much to say. I went to California for a wedding and had a fairly good time. Some parts sucked and others were very joyous. But I can't blog about that right now. My head and heart are too full...

I have been doing a lot of reading about stuff going on in Iraq. I don't know who is telling the truth. I just know that it seems to me that the Main Stream Media (or MSM as I like to call it) is leaving a lot out. I hear from my friends that are stationed overseas about some of the issues and triumphs they've experienced. Let's just say that it is different than what is reported. For instance, did you hear about the desecration of the vietnam war memorial? I didn't think so. But there it is. Look it up. Another example: Last night there was a little piece about a Navy SEAL that received the medal of honor. Something notably missing...it was not mentioned that before the ceremony where GW presented the parents of the honorable soldier with the medal, they had already had a meeting. The parents spoke with Mr. Bush at length about their son. They also presented him with a set of his dogtags. He immediately put them on and wore them throughout the ceremony. He did not make a statement to the media about it. He was humbled and honored to wear it. None of this was mentioned in the report given by Debra Norville. Figures. I mean I guess it's just not newsworthy if we can't villify our president is it?! We wouldn't want the country to come together and be "united" now would we?! I think that the MSM is on a mission to destroy us. When are we going to wake up and discover that despite our differences, we have one goal: to support our military personnel that protect us.
In other news, some lunatic woman Nobel Prize winning writer had some fun stuff to say about our President and several other opinions. Like wtf does the body count of IRA terrorism activities have to do with 9/11? More than 3,000 people died at the World Trade Center in a single f-ing morning. So over a 30 year period more than 3,000 people died through IRA terrorist activities in Ireland. OVER A 30 YEAR PERIOD. How is that even the same???? Oh, yeah and you can't denounce the fact that AT THE TIME (9/11/01), we were not OCCUPYING any mideast country! England had been OCCUPYING Ireland for thousands of years! For shit's sake, what is wrong with people?! How freaking illogical can you get???
Rant over...
for now.

A piece of me

So this is me. Yeah, I know. Got my hair in a ponytail. I’m growing it out for this wedding in October. As soon as I get back, it’s gone. I love my hair short now. I don’t have to fool with it. Randy loves it long…for his own reasons…hmm, hmm. No comment on that. So here I am:




I guess I don’t have to tell you I’m pretty disappointed with my look right now. The photo is a little blurry, but it’s what I normally look like.

Now, I look fairly harmless, right? You would think so. The funny thing is sometimes I think I have the potential to just be completely nutso. I have all these ideas that people just don’t always agree with. My opinions are strong on several subjects. I am no milquetoast. I will tell you how I feel about things whether you think I’m right or not. Not my problem anyway!

For instance, the hubby and I were having a discussion the other day about the stupidity of the O J thing. Now I am no fan of O J in the least. But it was awful convenient that the whole event was on audiotape, don’t you think? I don’t know about you, but I don’t carry around a tape recorder unless I think someone is going to do something spectacular (in other words, never). So we were watching Nancy Grace the other night and she was “discussing” the O J incident with “expert” commentary. People were calling in and asking questions. There are some intelligent people out there (I found this interesting). One woman called in with the question, “If the alleged victims are discovered to have entrapped Mr. Simpson, will they be charged? And, also, if the items in question are determined to be stolen, will charges be brought against the individuals?” Now, I thought these were interesting questions because it brings a different viewpoint as well as the possibility for reasonable doubt. Ms. Grace then posed the question to her “expert” this way: “Why does everyone think O J is being set up?” That is not what the woman was saying and beyond that, the “expert” never actually heard the intelligent questions so they were never answered. I always thought Nancy Grace was a semi-intelligent woman, but that just blew it for me. How prejudicial could you possibly be? What a condescending thing to do?!

Okay, so there is my soapbox. I will continue on another day…

Global Warming

For your amusement....

No time...

I have been pretty busy lately, but not as much as I should be. Work is boring! We are slow and with the changes in the market (mortgages for those that don't know), it is very difficult right now. Knowing that I am the only "employee" these guys have doesn't exactly provoke a comforting feeling. That just means I am the only one they can "downsize" when the going gets tough. So much for loyalty! Oh, well. I guess that is the price of business today. Nothing is sacred.
I have taken to doing what I term as "blog-surfing". Has anyone else done this? I have found some of the most interesting people out here in blogspot world. Of course, I don't really meet them; just sort of look around at their stuff and move on...It's a little weird, but I suppose if it's out here in internet land, we can look at it. You would be amazed at the amount of porn blogspots there are! It's crazy. Now, don't get me wrong, I love good porn. And yes, I am a woman, and no, I don't think it's degrading to women. It's their choice so go thump your bible somewhere else. I happen to get off on the visual if you know what I mean. Randy just loves that! It sure helps in the bedroom department since the old doc snipped the wrong nerves during the tubal ligation and half my vagina is numb. Lovely, eh?! Yeah, doesn't help the libido.
Anyway, that's not what my rant is about today. I guess I just wanted you all to know I'm still alive. Not that anyone really reads this blog regularly, but just in case.
Amanda is having a hard time at college. Not classes or her roomate or any of the things you would normally think. Boys are stupid! They hurt her because she is so very innocent. She never really had a boyfriend (a decent guy) in high school. She dated what? one boy the whole time. So she doesn't know what to do when a guy flirts with her. It's a little scary to me. Not exactly sure what to do about it though.
Cam had his 16th birthday on Friday. Damn, I'm gettin' old. He is so into band stuff right now. He doesn't even want to go get his permit. He says he doesn't have the time for it and is not ready. Okay. That saves me a little worry. We still need to order the video games he wanted. No one in the area carries them. Figures. Rural areas aren't fun for the technologically advanced. Of course, they wouldn't know what a decent tortilla tastes like here either.
Well, time is up for today. I've blathered on enough....
What a waste of time today.

This is stupid

Okay, so I can't post every day without a computer! Yeah. My sweet hubby has one for me, but no monitor, keyboard....ummmm, no desk either. Don't want to put it in the dining room and have the kids destroy it again. And I definitely don't want Cam looking at porn again on my computer. I did not find that amusing on my laptop.

The reason for no computer: Manders took it with her to college. She needed one and has no credit. Oh, and no job either. Yeah, kinda mandatory, you know. She left Tuesday. We got her to the dorm and she started band camp that afternoon. We both handled it without tears. It was close though. Those came Wednesday night. She called and wanted to come home. And you know it took everything I had not to hang up the phone and drive over there to get her. But I held it together, kept it positive and convinced her that she could do this. Then I promptly got off the phone and bawled my eyes out. God, I miss that girl. But we have to let our children go and be who they need to be. At least that's what I keep telling myself. So last night she called and she is doing SO much better. She went to a freshman party (put on by the college, okay!) and ran into someone from high school. They hit it off which is quite funny since they couldn't stand each other here. Of course, they never talked so how would they know?! And Manders is having a blast. She's already been singled out in band by the director. Which is a good thing!! She was responsible for getting the flutes in tune. That is a big deal!! I'm very proud of her. She also has her books and is ready for classes to start on Monday. She's been invited to a party Sunday night with a bunch of older college kids. I told her to go for it! Also asked her to be responsible and remember all I've taught her. She can't do alcohol; it tears up her stomach. But you know how people can be.

So now for the update on the weight issue: I don't think I can get on here every day and put down what I eat. I've been doing a little research and I think I have been doing myself a disservice. I haven't been getting enough calories. I have been eating less than a thousand a day (except last Friday....yikes!!). So my body thinks it's starving. Also, I hopped on the scale and my weight is exactly the same. No drop or increase. I think I walked about 3 miles on Tuesday (we walked back and forth on the campus and it is huge!!) I felt so good afterward...physically. My thighs and calves felt great even the day after. The muscles on the front of my shins were a little sore on Thursday, but good today. So I think that I will just have to start getting up a little earlier and go on walks in the morning. A little at a time. I may even take one of the dogs with me. They sure would love it. Maybe I could trade off and take Ben one day and Joe the next. I just need to get them new collars and a leash that won't break. Had that happen already.

It has been a hell of a week. Everything that is going on in the world upsets me. So much to think about: immigration, war, mine collapses, so much suffering. And all I can say is I am so so very blessed. My kids are mostly healthy (just allergies baby and you can't beat that). They are all so very smart. My hubby loves me and does so much to try to show it even when I don't deserve it. I have some friends that I would do anything for. My mom is still with me and takes such good care of me. And yeah, there are things that could be better, but I know it's just a matter of time before they are....I just have to keep looking forward and stop looking back. So what that my dad isn't there for me. So what that he left. I am who I am because of these things. They have made me stronger. The love that I carry with me, well, I can pass that on to others, right?! I think our greatest gift is the love we have for each other. So maybe it's time I share that instead of the anger. Especially with myself.

Saturday

Okay, so we had lots of company and I don't know exactly what I ate. I grazed....I'll do my best...

Exercise:

Housecleaning (and yes, that is exercise if you do it right)

Food:

2 silver dollar pancakes
2 slices of bacon
mug of coffee with t of creamer
cup of homemade mac n cheese with tomatoes and peppers
handful (or two) of fresh veggies (broccoli, carrots, celery) with dip
Half chicken breast, skinless, boneless, grilled
shredded pork sandwich
1/2 c chips
1/2 c two different kinds macaroni salad
1 cupcake (see Friday)
two scoops vanilla

at least half gallon of tea!

Water:

sad to say I only had one glass of water all day.....see tea comment.....

I hate when folks are over because I tend to munch and snack the whole time. Food is a social activity for sure.

Friday is bad

Okay, day two...

Exercise:
30 minutes of tone up workout (felt pretty good, actually)

Food: (this is the bad part)

12 oz coffee (Kona, yum!) t. chocolate raspberry creamer (as opposed to the regular T.)
100 cal yogurt nonfat (lemon meringue)
grilled chicken sandwich from Sonic (no time for food at home...)
tots...yikes
cherry dr. pepper...yikes
1 tootsie roll midget (damn office jars!)
starlight mint from bottom of Sonic bag...
half a totino's pepperoni pizza
handful of mini oreo's (I was baking with them...)

water:
40 oz

I really need to plan my meals a little better. I feel like the exercise I managed to get in was completely negated by the intake today...all I can say is that tomorrow is another day....filled with barbeque....with my in-laws....oh, lord. And my niece is here tonight. I always cook breakfast for the kids when they stay over. Pancakes or waffles or something like that....mmmmmmm, syrup good. Tommorrow will be a test. Oh, and I halved the sugar I normally add to my sweet tea....and it tastes better....already had two large glasses today.....add that to my list.....

First Effort

Okay, here it is:

Weight: 198 lbs

Exercise: None

Food:

Nature Valley Trail Mix Bar (Mixed Berry)
12 oz coffee with chocolate raspberry creamer
hamburger on bun with T of miracle whip
12 oz coke
2 tootsie roll midgets
1 chimichanga
1 enchilada
1/2 cup spanish rice
16 oz tea with sugar

Water:
33.8 oz (so far)

Yikes....I think dinner was most of my calories for the day. All I did was sit in the office. Maybe I'll get a pedometer. You should walk 10,000 steps a day. It's time I start counting...

A new day

I haven't blogged in a while. I was waiting until I had something to say I guess. As I always have a strong opinion on most subjects, I didn't think it would be a problem. Unfortunately for me, I just haven't felt that my opinion matters for much lately. I am battling depression. I know this, yet I don't have a clue on what to do about it. It's not like I have health insurance or the cash to pay for a doctor's visit. So I have decided that I am going to use this blog to my advantage. Today is the beginning of my changes.
I have several issues to work out. I have lingering self-doubt. I have a weight issue. I have now gone from slightly overweight to "severely overweight". I cannot afford to go to Jenny Craig or whatnot. Randy losing weight and looking so great just makes me feel worse. Why is that? Anyway, I feel the pull of the darkness of depression. I want to be alone almost all the time. I don't want to see the kids, get out of bed, or even move. I just want to eat. I am an emotional eater. I eat to forget. I eat when I am bored. I eat when it's my "time of the month". How am I ever going to progress??
History: I have begun several programs over the past few years...Curves, E-diets, yoga, a trim down I found on the internet....only to drop them after a few weeks. Although with e-diets, I did lose about 25 lbs only to gain them back plus some when I got pregnant with B. Why I never went back is another question I have never answered. Maybe I am more afraid to succeed than I am to fail?
So here is the plan: I am going to blog here every night starting tonight! I am going to list my entire eating for the day as well as all the exercise I am doing. Accountability. That's what I need. On top of that, I will post my weight weekly. I need to see progress. I am hoping that someone that reads my blog will comment. Just to let me know that I am not alone. Please.

I'll start tonight.

The reasons for starting this: I am under so much stress right now because of things I cannot control. A is going off to college. Next week! How are we going to pay for it?? My industry is slowing down. I am the only "employee" in my office. Who do you think is going to be let go? The job market sucks here. Not like there is much room for advancement. My creditors are hounding me and I cannot afford to pay them what they want. I have put myself in such a financial crunch that I don't even know how to get out of it.
Oh, man. The depression is coming over me again. All I can think is...just one step at a time, just one thing...Deal with the things I can control and work on the rest when I can.

Wish me luck.

OMG! How stupid is this....

I am re-printing an article I found on Yahoo news....after the article, comments will follow:

Fla. sheriff targets illegals

By MELISSA NELSON, Associated Press Writer Wed Jun 27, 2:27 PM ET

PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. - The sheriff's department has developed a remarkably effective — and controversial — way of catching illegal immigrants: Deputies in patrol cars pull up to a construction site in force, and watch and see who runs.
Those who take off are chased down and arrested on charges such as trespassing, for cutting through someone else's property, or loitering, for hiding out in someone's yard, or reckless driving, for speeding off in a car. U.S. immigration authorities are then given the names of those believed to be in this country illegally.
"It's not wrong for them to run, but it's not wrong for us to chase them either," said Sheriff Frank McKeithen, who created his Illegal Alien Task Force in April to target construction sites in this Florida Panhandle county.
Immigrant advocates say the technique is repugnant, and the ACLU says its constitutionality is questionable.
Illegal immigrants are leaving town. And builders are worried the crackdown will deprive them of the labor they need to take part in a building boom in which Panama City's Beach cheap spring-break motels are being torn down and replaced with high-rise condos.
The sheriff said the raids are justified under a long-standing Florida law prohibiting employers from knowingly hiring illegal immigrants.
His department has conducted dozens of these raids over the past three months, sometimes using five or six patrol cars, and has reported more than 500 people to immigration officials since November.
The Mexican American Legal Defense Fund is investigating the arrests because "the intimidation factor is of great concern," said Elise Shore, regional counsel for the organization.
Benjamin Stevenson, an attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union in Florida, said he finds the tactic troubling.
"Why are they sending out six or seven agents to investigate a paper crime, and are they causing them to run in the first place through intimidation?" he asked.
As the debate over illegal immigration plays out in Washington, McKeithen is among a growing number of state and local officials taking it upon themselves to enforce immigration laws that up to now were regarded as a federal responsibility.
For example, Farmers Branch, Texas, is trying to prohibit apartment rentals to illegal immigrants in the Dallas suburb. Georgia passed a law requiring employers to verify the immigration status of all new employees.
Barbara Gonzalez, a spokeswoman for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement in Miami, would not comment on the sheriff's tactics.
McKeithen has asked Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum for a legal opinion on his tactics. A spokeswoman for McCollum said the office is researching the request.
McKeithen is already under fire from civil rights groups over the videotaped 2006 death of a 14-year-old boy who was roughed up by guards at a juvenile boot camp operated by the sheriff's department. Eight former employees are facing manslaughter charges.
The sheriff said that more recently, his officers have been making fewer arrests of workers who flee, and are concentrating more on asking employers for the paperwork on their employees. Sheriff's deputies then arrest workers whose documents are found to be fraudulent.
Mexican illegal immigrant Jose Madrid, 28, said he has been unable to find a construction job over the past six weeks because of the crackdown, and hasn't been able to send money to his parents and his 7-year-old son back home.
"We immigrants, we are leaving Panama City. People are afraid they will be deported," he said. "The companies don't want to hire illegal people. Now they're only hiring those with papers."
Developer Louis Breland is finishing the first phase of a $750 million beach condo project.
"Subcontractors could not function without immigrant laborers for painting, rebar and steel work. They are the best workers," he said. "Without them, the cost of construction would be 10 times as much and nothing would get built."

Okay, now for comments:

First off, let me just say I absolutely love this idea! Totally hilarious. This guy is a genius!

1. "Immigrant advocates say the technique is repugnant, and the ACLU says its constitutionality is questionable."--Excuse me, but when did NON-CITIZENS become covered under our constitution?? What?! I was under the impression that these folks were ILLEGAL immigrants.

2. "And builders are worried the crackdown will deprive them of the labor they need to take part in a building boom..."--now there are the folks that need to be deported. In the very next paragraph, it says that there is a LAW prohibiting the employment of ILLEGALS. So when did builders become above the law?? For a buck?!

3. "...Mexican American Legal Defense Fund is investigating..." and "...American Civil Liberties Union..."--okay, so these organizations are having a problem with the "intimidation factor". Hmmmmmm, let's see here. You are fighting for the rights of Mexican AMERICANS and AMERICAN Civil Liberties, right? These PEOPLE are not AMERICANS!!!!!!!!!!!! Do I need to say more?

4. "Mexican illegal immigrant Jose Madrid, 28, said he has been unable to find a construction job over the past six weeks because of the crackdown, and hasn't been able to send money to his parents and his 7-year-old son back home."-- ummm, did they let this guy go after the interview?? Try this, Jose. GO HOME and take care of your parents and son! If it is better over here, go through legal channels and come back! I'm sure there is construction in Mexico too. Your son would do better with a father that does things LEGALLY! What a fine example, Jose. GEEZ!!

Okay, well, you get the picture. I read this article and just couldn't believe such blatant stupidity. I mean, come on people! This is ridiculous. Stupid is as stupid does. And that's all I've got to say about that...

Middle America

Have you ever wondered why middle america doesn't rise up and do anything about their plight? I've finally figured it out. We are too poor to buy healthy food and a personal trainer, but too rich to get assistance. We are too poor to afford health care, but too rich to get medical coverage with the state. We are too busy working to support the poor and the rich to do anything but work. Our bodies are heavy, our minds are soft, our will is weak.
How do we combat this?

Honor is gone

I recently read an op/ed piece by Gerd Schroeder entitled "Whatever Happened to Duty, Honor, Country?" It was very interesting. I have felt the same for years.
I was raised in a very patriotic household. My father was in the Air Force and fought in Vietnam. My grandfather was a Marine and fought in WWII. We were taught to believe in our country. To fight for our country if need be. I had every intention to do just that until I made other decisions. I still get disgusted by the lack of respect most people have for our country, our flag, our president. It makes me physically ill. I would like to believe that after 9/11 something changed in our country for just a little while. Unfortunately, we reverted to the same self righteous greedy Americans we were before the fall. Isn't that just sad? And I also agree with Mr. Schroeder: How can we believe that we can succeed in anything if the people that we look to for advice and guidance are tearing us down instead with their words of betrayal and hurt?
I don't know what the world is coming to, but I don't think I like the look of it. Stand up and be patriotic. It's okay. Maybe it's time we start to look at changing things. We can if we do it together. Kick the illegals out. Stop letting folks come in just to use up our resources and leave. It's time we make a stand!

No time like the present

So I'm at work. I haven't blogged in awhile and I have so much to say....
Have you been following the Don Imus issue? Well, I have my own things to say about it. Who doesn't? Seems like everyone has an opinion...First some background: I am a semi-white female. I am darker because of my Cherokee descent, but I may as well be white. I have not had to deal with "racism" as it is traditionally set out. Don Imus is a racist, let's be fair. We all know this. He knows this. So he made a comment (albeit a nasty one), but completely in a joking context. He has done this his whole career (since the 70's..hello). Nasty comments on the radio and elsewhere flourish. Why is it such a big deal now? Well, I can certainly understand some of the outrage. These young women did not deserve to have this thing said about them. They are hard-working, dedicated young ball players. But they have moved on. Yet he gets fired? What?! Suspension, I can see that. I bet you that if Chris Rock had been on ANY radio show and called the same girls the same name, no one would have even blinked an eye. After all, it's a comedian's job to shock....but isn't it a shock jock's job to do the same? Howard Stern ring a bell people? Ding, ding, ding! Get a clue! This has been blown way out of proportion by none other than that self righteous ignorant son of a snake Al Sharpton. What a lousy racist! Yeah, that's right, I called him a racist! He is. Any white folk even think to step out of line and he is right there with his big mouth and his hatred. Why can't he turn all that righteous indignation to cleaning up the mouths of all those rappers? Have you heard some of the shit they put on the RADIO? I haven't heard nigga so much since Richard Pryor! And even he got smart and stopped spewing that bull shit! It's a word people. You give it power over you! It cannot hurt you unless you let it. Not to mention the demoralization of women in just about every damn rap song out there. He "gonna smack that" and that's okay? WTF????? Oh wait a minute! I forgot, it's okay for the black man to say dat shit. Just you crazy white folk keep yo mouth shut and move over. We takin over....
Okay so it pisses me off a little. If you can't be passionate about things, what the f*** are we doing here? It's time to stop race baiting. It's time to be one people. All colors, all religions, all socio-economic status. Get over yourselves. Don't you realize that we are all living on this earth together? It's not us and them. It's just US!

WTC

So, last night I finally watched World Trade Center. I thought it might be political or biased or something. I was wrong. And I'm glad. It was a good flick. Of course, anything that is emotional is good with me. I'm such a chick!
It got me to thinking about things though. I was so very angry last night after watching the movie. It brought back all the memories of that day. The hopelessness, the terror, the absolute disbelief. My heart hurt all over again. But the thing I was most angry about was the people here in the good ol' US of A. That's right: YOU! How could you have forgotten? How is it possible? I have not forgotten a moment of it. I have not forgotten how much they hate us. I am not confused when it comes to what needs to be done. How could you be??? We need to realize that we are the ones that need to stand up. We are the ones that will make the sacrifices. But it is our freedom we fight for. It is, whether you believe it or not. Do you think they care that we don't want to be over there now? No! They only know we are there and we are planning on leaving them to their fate. Does anyone really remember the numbers of civilian casualties after the pull out in Vietnam? Come on, now, you know you've been comparing this military action to that one. Let's be real. Are you willing to let those people be sacrificed to save yourselves? Just remember that Osama has a problem with us because we LEFT!! Don't you all read anything?? So now the dems want to pull our troops out...and 58% of the "American" people agree. Okay. Let's do that. And after the dust settles and the crazy faction is in control again, who do you think they will come after? Oh, yeah. US! Duh!! And all those folks that are on our side now will be on theirs. So come on home, boys! And bring those lunatics with you. I personally will be waiting for those fuckers with open arms. And a gun in my belt. I will protect mine. Always. So be prepared. If you're not with me, you're against me. Isn't that how that works? That's what I thought. Of course, don't forget that the ENTIRE world is watching to see what we do. Are we going to back down 'cause it gets a little rough? The moment we show that weakness we are through being a "super power". Just throw in the towel boys. We've had enough.
And while I'm on the subject: Cindy Sheehan. Let's hope I never meet her face to face. What a disgrace of a mother. Her child made the conscious decision to put himself in harm's way. He made that choice. Because he believed in his country. And she has the nerve to besmirch his memory by saying he died for no reason. What??!!?? How does this not make any sense? The reason may not make sense to her, but it did TO HIM! My nephew is in the army for those of you that don't know. He joined after 9/11. He joined for the opportunities that would be available to him, but he also joined for another reason. At 19, he is wiser than most of these politico schmoes. He said he would rather die doing something, than live doing nothing. Can you say the same?

Another week down

I am officially fed up with this place. I mean this place in my life. This week has been tough. I feel like I have run a marathon to the best of my ability and still came in last place. It should have been a good week. It's not like I don't have good things to report. My sweet hubby finally broke down and got the video and digital cameras I was dreaming about. Not just one, but both! And accessories! What girl doesn't love accessories?!
I guess it all comes down to ROI. Return On Investment. I feel like I give my job 110%. I get paid squat and there is no raise in sight. I haven't had a raise since July 2005!! Yeah. That's what I say! And it's not like I'm a slacker. I actually have folks that work outside my office that I work with on a consistent basis that beg me to stay. They say it's been so much easier and better to work with my office since I've been back. Why does my employer not see that?? Probably because I work with all men. I promised myself that I would not become a man-basher, but some days even my patience wears thin (and I have a lot of tolerance). I just don't understand it.
Let me give you an example: I have spent many a year working with my kids to get them to be responsible, caring individuals. My oldest is headed off to college next year. I am plenty proud of her. But I cannot seem to get her to see that getting a job will help her to expand her horizons (and her bank account). On top of that, we recently made plans to have her flute tuned up (at a substantial cost, mind you) and do you think we got a thank you? Nooooo. It was more like, "so they gonna take the dents out too?" I don't know and I don't freakin' care! Isn't it enough to have a flute that plays well!?! I guess not. I suppose it's my own fault. I must have spoiled her along the way. I was trying to hard to be the perfect mom and now look what I have wrought!!
Another example: My oldest son thought it was perfectly reasonable to yell at me last Sunday! Now, he may be bigger than me, but, by God, I'm meaner! I let him know in no uncertain terms how ticked off I was and he better show me some respect in my own house! Well, he then took it upon himself to mumble what a horrible mom I was etc etc as he was headed upstairs to hide. I made him troup his happy ass back downstairs to write me a letter explaining his reasoning behind yelling at me and exactly why he thought it was acceptable. The look on his face was priceless! He took about two hours to write it. He gave it to me with a tear-y eyed "sorry mom" and then went upstairs. I read it and it was very well written. But it was a whiny version of why he thinks everyone hates him and he is the black sheep of the family, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I wrote him one back. I basically told him that he wouldn't have to feel so bad about himself if he took the initiative to change the things that make us mad at him. For instance, tie your shoes! You're fifteen, for Pete's sake! We would stop harping on you if you just did as we ask!! It's not all that difficult!! Let's just say he's been pretty contrite all week. And his chores were done daily except today when he went back to his normal self....Ah, well, you win some, you lose some....

Sad Thoughts

Last night I watched Grey's Anatomy. I really like this show. It reminds me of ER back when it first started. Last night's episode was especially good and not just because of content, but the emotions it evoked for me. I cried through most of the episode. Not big sobbing but tears streaming crying. Letting out some of the pain I carry works like that. It was a good night.

If you had a chance to watch it, you know what I'm talking about. The most poignant moment for me was when Denny was talking to Meredith about his "moments" with Izzy. I know what that is like. You know how it is when you walk into a room, forget what you went in there for only to realize that there is a scent or a feeling that comes over you. You know what it is, and sometimes you walk away because the pain is too great.

I have those moments often. Usually when I'm having a hard day and nothing is going right. They catch me off guard. The smell of old spice (my grandfather). The scent of roses and honeysuckle mingling together (my grandmother). That overwhelming boy smell...the clean hair that's been in the sun all day...you know the one (my one and only brother). The most heartwrenching scent of all: sweet pea blossoms. Sometimes when my family all piles in the minivan, I get the feeling that someone is missing. I turn around to do a quick head count (no Home Alone here, kids!) and we are all there. Yet the feeling persists. I know what it is. I can smell the sweet pea blossoms and I have to shut it out. The emptiness overwhelms me and yet I can feel her presence. I know she is at peace, but sometimes I just miss her so much. You can't know what it feels like to lose a child unless it happens to you. You can think you know, but you can't even come close. It's been 6 years. I can still see her face. I can still feel her kicking inside me. Sometimes it is just so unbearable. I will always love my sweet baby girl: Olivia.