Oh, man...

I was re-reading my last couple of posts. I am a crazy person. It's as simple as that. R read my post. He was not thrilled to say the least. "Makes me sound like a real asshole. Thanks." Well, if the anus fits. No, not really. R's a good guy. I just get so frustrated sometimes. I have accepted that R needs his time. I'm completely fine with it. I just need mine too. That's not too much to ask is it?

Manders will be home from college in two weeks. She doesn't go back until mid-January, but the fact is, she is going back. She has already registered for classes. More than this semester if that is even possible. 15 credit hours! And she's looking for another job when she gets back. I think she may be figuring out that this is the best option for her to get out of this cycle of poverty. I know what you're thinking: you don't seem like a poor person. I suppose not. I have a vehicle that runs (most of the time). A house (with a mortgage). Some food on the table. Can't be that bad right? Well, I guess not, if you don't take into consideration the collection calls I ignore every day. If you don't take into consideration that my kids sleep on mattresses on the floors of their "rooms". C sleeps in the entry to the upstairs, next to the stairway. K sleeps on one side of a big room with Mema and B in the middle and M on the other end. Mema and B have beds off the floor. Mema is having tooth pains I can do nothing about. Not to mention Christmas this year is looking freaking abysmal. Gifts? Ha! I have no health insurance available to me. Of course, if I quit my job and live on welfare, I would be covered! Damn that work ethic! I try not to think about this all the time, but here's the rub: it's what causes my depression. Too much on my mind. These things do bother me. The future terrifies me...

I can't think about it right now. Maybe something a little nicer to think about...

R has been very attentive the last couple of days. He said to me yesterday: "I don't need you to survive, but I need you to live." How freaking awesome is that?! And in case he is reading this again...I love it when you put your arm around me in public. I love it when you sit by me on the couch watching Discovery channel with your hand on my knee. I love it when you smack my ass when you walk past me in the house. Touch me now and then, k? It makes me wanna.....

Okay, I gotta get back to life stuff. More ramblings at a later date.