Sad Thoughts

Last night I watched Grey's Anatomy. I really like this show. It reminds me of ER back when it first started. Last night's episode was especially good and not just because of content, but the emotions it evoked for me. I cried through most of the episode. Not big sobbing but tears streaming crying. Letting out some of the pain I carry works like that. It was a good night.

If you had a chance to watch it, you know what I'm talking about. The most poignant moment for me was when Denny was talking to Meredith about his "moments" with Izzy. I know what that is like. You know how it is when you walk into a room, forget what you went in there for only to realize that there is a scent or a feeling that comes over you. You know what it is, and sometimes you walk away because the pain is too great.

I have those moments often. Usually when I'm having a hard day and nothing is going right. They catch me off guard. The smell of old spice (my grandfather). The scent of roses and honeysuckle mingling together (my grandmother). That overwhelming boy smell...the clean hair that's been in the sun all day...you know the one (my one and only brother). The most heartwrenching scent of all: sweet pea blossoms. Sometimes when my family all piles in the minivan, I get the feeling that someone is missing. I turn around to do a quick head count (no Home Alone here, kids!) and we are all there. Yet the feeling persists. I know what it is. I can smell the sweet pea blossoms and I have to shut it out. The emptiness overwhelms me and yet I can feel her presence. I know she is at peace, but sometimes I just miss her so much. You can't know what it feels like to lose a child unless it happens to you. You can think you know, but you can't even come close. It's been 6 years. I can still see her face. I can still feel her kicking inside me. Sometimes it is just so unbearable. I will always love my sweet baby girl: Olivia.