After Xmas Blues

Do you ever find yourself so freaking miserable during the holidays? I do. I miss my family so very much. The ones I've lost; the ones I don't speak to anymore; the ones that are so far away. And the fact that I have "family" here in KY that act like a bunch of selfish stupid idiots doesn't help. Maybe I'm being uncharitable, but it just seems that way to me...

For anyone that knows us, you know that Baby B has had health issues all his life. Being a preemie and then being exposed to RSV had a lot to do with it. The fact that he stopped breathing in the nursery the day after he was born and flown to Kosair Children's Hospital has a lot to do with my protectiveness. So Sue Me! He has had the same pediatrician his whole life. The guy has all the warmth of an igloo, but he is very professional and intelligent. Not to mention that he geniunely cares for his patients. He has been doing this for more than 30 years. B has been in the hospital at least 4 times for pneumonia. One of those times was very scary. The Doc was very positive about his recovery and stopped by daily to make sure he was progressing. Basically, I trust the guy. Also, I know my son. I know what sets his little lungs off. I know how he reacts to different things. So here is my dilemma: my FIL smokes a pipe. Not a terrible thing, but it hurts my little man's lungs. Even if he is not smoking around him, it is still in the house. You know it has to be when you come home from their place reeking of smoke!! The boy loves to visit his grandparents. I have to be the bad guy and keep him out of there for the time being. He spent a few days in their house in October when I went to the wedding and he still has not recovered. He has been to the Doc twice with bronchitis and we have basically been doing breathing treatments since (I just recently stopped when he began to do better). So I definitely did not want him over there to start the cycle all over again. Yes, he goes to preschool. Yes, we took him to the skate rink for his big sis's birthday. There is one thing these two places have in common: NO SMOKING. The Doc has said that smoking will cause flare-ups. He is not allergic to the cats...he does have issues with seasonal allergies and we do have several children in the house that go to three different schools. He will be exposed to germs. That is a good thing...we need to build his immune system. Smoking is not something he can tolerate at this time. Now I have not banned these people from my house. They can come by at any time and see the grandkids. They just don't feel like they should. They have a problem with my mom being there...she lives there for cryin' out loud! She does go upstairs when they come by to try to make it more "comfortable" for them. She does not like my MIL. Why should she? The woman constantly points out what a terrible daughter-in-law she has to MY mom. Shouldn't she be offended? Anyway, the point is they have the choice. They choose to make me the bad guy. I mean how the hell would I know what is wrong with my own child? I am a terrible parent anyway, so what could I possibly add to the issue? Hmmmm, being a parent for 18 + years means nothing I guess. And I'm sure the fact that only one of their three sons feeling like he can go to their house without an issue makes them parents of the year! Their oldest can't even speak to them because of how much they disrespect his wife and him come to think of it. Yes, he could have made better choices and treated his parents with more respect, but isn't it our job as parents to SET THE EXAMPLE?! That is what I am trying to do. Do you even know how hard it is to respond in a positive way when your child asks you why her gramma doesn't like you? That's not what is said to my face, but I guess I shouldn't expect honesty right? I mean, it's not like I can talk to them about it. It just causes more hate and discontent to even bring any of this up. I am in a quandry. I would like my hubby to say something to his parents besides just deal with it because that is the way it is. I'd love for him to let them know in no uncertain terms that their actions are a direct cause of our pulling away from them. But he can't. They don't understand and they will just be more hateful to our kids. And of course, my BIL is getting his shots in now. This Xmas was especially hard on us. B was ill. He woke up at 3 a.m. Xmas morning vomitting. My BIL would say I'm just making it up. It's all an act. Because I am just trying to be difficult. He hates women and it wouldn't matter if I was Mother Theresa. He's an ass!
So that's where I am at. My hubby is in the middle. He is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Am I wrong for wanting him on my side? After all, he picked me to be his wife. He didn't get to pick his family...I would just hate to see us divorce over his family. That just seems so wrong...Roger refuses to talk to his parents, Rod is divorced so he has no issue, and we are somewhere in between...what do we do?

Oh, man...

I was re-reading my last couple of posts. I am a crazy person. It's as simple as that. R read my post. He was not thrilled to say the least. "Makes me sound like a real asshole. Thanks." Well, if the anus fits. No, not really. R's a good guy. I just get so frustrated sometimes. I have accepted that R needs his time. I'm completely fine with it. I just need mine too. That's not too much to ask is it?

Manders will be home from college in two weeks. She doesn't go back until mid-January, but the fact is, she is going back. She has already registered for classes. More than this semester if that is even possible. 15 credit hours! And she's looking for another job when she gets back. I think she may be figuring out that this is the best option for her to get out of this cycle of poverty. I know what you're thinking: you don't seem like a poor person. I suppose not. I have a vehicle that runs (most of the time). A house (with a mortgage). Some food on the table. Can't be that bad right? Well, I guess not, if you don't take into consideration the collection calls I ignore every day. If you don't take into consideration that my kids sleep on mattresses on the floors of their "rooms". C sleeps in the entry to the upstairs, next to the stairway. K sleeps on one side of a big room with Mema and B in the middle and M on the other end. Mema and B have beds off the floor. Mema is having tooth pains I can do nothing about. Not to mention Christmas this year is looking freaking abysmal. Gifts? Ha! I have no health insurance available to me. Of course, if I quit my job and live on welfare, I would be covered! Damn that work ethic! I try not to think about this all the time, but here's the rub: it's what causes my depression. Too much on my mind. These things do bother me. The future terrifies me...

I can't think about it right now. Maybe something a little nicer to think about...

R has been very attentive the last couple of days. He said to me yesterday: "I don't need you to survive, but I need you to live." How freaking awesome is that?! And in case he is reading this again...I love it when you put your arm around me in public. I love it when you sit by me on the couch watching Discovery channel with your hand on my knee. I love it when you smack my ass when you walk past me in the house. Touch me now and then, k? It makes me wanna.....

Okay, I gotta get back to life stuff. More ramblings at a later date.