This is stupid

Okay, so I can't post every day without a computer! Yeah. My sweet hubby has one for me, but no monitor, keyboard....ummmm, no desk either. Don't want to put it in the dining room and have the kids destroy it again. And I definitely don't want Cam looking at porn again on my computer. I did not find that amusing on my laptop.

The reason for no computer: Manders took it with her to college. She needed one and has no credit. Oh, and no job either. Yeah, kinda mandatory, you know. She left Tuesday. We got her to the dorm and she started band camp that afternoon. We both handled it without tears. It was close though. Those came Wednesday night. She called and wanted to come home. And you know it took everything I had not to hang up the phone and drive over there to get her. But I held it together, kept it positive and convinced her that she could do this. Then I promptly got off the phone and bawled my eyes out. God, I miss that girl. But we have to let our children go and be who they need to be. At least that's what I keep telling myself. So last night she called and she is doing SO much better. She went to a freshman party (put on by the college, okay!) and ran into someone from high school. They hit it off which is quite funny since they couldn't stand each other here. Of course, they never talked so how would they know?! And Manders is having a blast. She's already been singled out in band by the director. Which is a good thing!! She was responsible for getting the flutes in tune. That is a big deal!! I'm very proud of her. She also has her books and is ready for classes to start on Monday. She's been invited to a party Sunday night with a bunch of older college kids. I told her to go for it! Also asked her to be responsible and remember all I've taught her. She can't do alcohol; it tears up her stomach. But you know how people can be.

So now for the update on the weight issue: I don't think I can get on here every day and put down what I eat. I've been doing a little research and I think I have been doing myself a disservice. I haven't been getting enough calories. I have been eating less than a thousand a day (except last Friday....yikes!!). So my body thinks it's starving. Also, I hopped on the scale and my weight is exactly the same. No drop or increase. I think I walked about 3 miles on Tuesday (we walked back and forth on the campus and it is huge!!) I felt so good afterward...physically. My thighs and calves felt great even the day after. The muscles on the front of my shins were a little sore on Thursday, but good today. So I think that I will just have to start getting up a little earlier and go on walks in the morning. A little at a time. I may even take one of the dogs with me. They sure would love it. Maybe I could trade off and take Ben one day and Joe the next. I just need to get them new collars and a leash that won't break. Had that happen already.

It has been a hell of a week. Everything that is going on in the world upsets me. So much to think about: immigration, war, mine collapses, so much suffering. And all I can say is I am so so very blessed. My kids are mostly healthy (just allergies baby and you can't beat that). They are all so very smart. My hubby loves me and does so much to try to show it even when I don't deserve it. I have some friends that I would do anything for. My mom is still with me and takes such good care of me. And yeah, there are things that could be better, but I know it's just a matter of time before they are....I just have to keep looking forward and stop looking back. So what that my dad isn't there for me. So what that he left. I am who I am because of these things. They have made me stronger. The love that I carry with me, well, I can pass that on to others, right?! I think our greatest gift is the love we have for each other. So maybe it's time I share that instead of the anger. Especially with myself.

Saturday

Okay, so we had lots of company and I don't know exactly what I ate. I grazed....I'll do my best...

Exercise:

Housecleaning (and yes, that is exercise if you do it right)

Food:

2 silver dollar pancakes
2 slices of bacon
mug of coffee with t of creamer
cup of homemade mac n cheese with tomatoes and peppers
handful (or two) of fresh veggies (broccoli, carrots, celery) with dip
Half chicken breast, skinless, boneless, grilled
shredded pork sandwich
1/2 c chips
1/2 c two different kinds macaroni salad
1 cupcake (see Friday)
two scoops vanilla

at least half gallon of tea!

Water:

sad to say I only had one glass of water all day.....see tea comment.....

I hate when folks are over because I tend to munch and snack the whole time. Food is a social activity for sure.

Friday is bad

Okay, day two...

Exercise:
30 minutes of tone up workout (felt pretty good, actually)

Food: (this is the bad part)

12 oz coffee (Kona, yum!) t. chocolate raspberry creamer (as opposed to the regular T.)
100 cal yogurt nonfat (lemon meringue)
grilled chicken sandwich from Sonic (no time for food at home...)
tots...yikes
cherry dr. pepper...yikes
1 tootsie roll midget (damn office jars!)
starlight mint from bottom of Sonic bag...
half a totino's pepperoni pizza
handful of mini oreo's (I was baking with them...)

water:
40 oz

I really need to plan my meals a little better. I feel like the exercise I managed to get in was completely negated by the intake today...all I can say is that tomorrow is another day....filled with barbeque....with my in-laws....oh, lord. And my niece is here tonight. I always cook breakfast for the kids when they stay over. Pancakes or waffles or something like that....mmmmmmm, syrup good. Tommorrow will be a test. Oh, and I halved the sugar I normally add to my sweet tea....and it tastes better....already had two large glasses today.....add that to my list.....

First Effort

Okay, here it is:

Weight: 198 lbs

Exercise: None

Food:

Nature Valley Trail Mix Bar (Mixed Berry)
12 oz coffee with chocolate raspberry creamer
hamburger on bun with T of miracle whip
12 oz coke
2 tootsie roll midgets
1 chimichanga
1 enchilada
1/2 cup spanish rice
16 oz tea with sugar

Water:
33.8 oz (so far)

Yikes....I think dinner was most of my calories for the day. All I did was sit in the office. Maybe I'll get a pedometer. You should walk 10,000 steps a day. It's time I start counting...

A new day

I haven't blogged in a while. I was waiting until I had something to say I guess. As I always have a strong opinion on most subjects, I didn't think it would be a problem. Unfortunately for me, I just haven't felt that my opinion matters for much lately. I am battling depression. I know this, yet I don't have a clue on what to do about it. It's not like I have health insurance or the cash to pay for a doctor's visit. So I have decided that I am going to use this blog to my advantage. Today is the beginning of my changes.
I have several issues to work out. I have lingering self-doubt. I have a weight issue. I have now gone from slightly overweight to "severely overweight". I cannot afford to go to Jenny Craig or whatnot. Randy losing weight and looking so great just makes me feel worse. Why is that? Anyway, I feel the pull of the darkness of depression. I want to be alone almost all the time. I don't want to see the kids, get out of bed, or even move. I just want to eat. I am an emotional eater. I eat to forget. I eat when I am bored. I eat when it's my "time of the month". How am I ever going to progress??
History: I have begun several programs over the past few years...Curves, E-diets, yoga, a trim down I found on the internet....only to drop them after a few weeks. Although with e-diets, I did lose about 25 lbs only to gain them back plus some when I got pregnant with B. Why I never went back is another question I have never answered. Maybe I am more afraid to succeed than I am to fail?
So here is the plan: I am going to blog here every night starting tonight! I am going to list my entire eating for the day as well as all the exercise I am doing. Accountability. That's what I need. On top of that, I will post my weight weekly. I need to see progress. I am hoping that someone that reads my blog will comment. Just to let me know that I am not alone. Please.

I'll start tonight.

The reasons for starting this: I am under so much stress right now because of things I cannot control. A is going off to college. Next week! How are we going to pay for it?? My industry is slowing down. I am the only "employee" in my office. Who do you think is going to be let go? The job market sucks here. Not like there is much room for advancement. My creditors are hounding me and I cannot afford to pay them what they want. I have put myself in such a financial crunch that I don't even know how to get out of it.
Oh, man. The depression is coming over me again. All I can think is...just one step at a time, just one thing...Deal with the things I can control and work on the rest when I can.

Wish me luck.