Hate Spews Forth...

I have not been myself lately. I think that it is distinctly possible that I am seriously depressed. It is harder and harder for me to do the simplest things. I know that there are folks with harder lives. I know it’s just a matter of “acceptance” (I don’t need another f-ing lecture, thanks). I know this. I have been a flippin’ parent for more than 18 years. I think I may possibly know what I’m doing. A little bit.
Maybe it would help if I could get all this crap out of my head. I am so mad at so many people right now. I want to let it go. It’s only hurting me. Not them. Because I DON’T SAY A WORD! Why, you ask? Because I hate conflict. Absolutely hate it. So what do I do? Well, hopefully blogging it out will help.
First and foremost, let me say this: I love my hubby. I love my mom. I love my kids. But right now you wouldn’t know it. I am hateful.
I am tired of hearing how bad I’ve screwed up the kids. A is having a hard time in college. She is scared of everything. Every time things get hard she wants to come home. I tell her to stay there and work through it. It’s the only way she will get stronger. My mom says to me that I am too hard on her and she should never have gone off to college. She should just stay home for a year and work. Well, you and I both know that a child that is that fearful of everything just needs to be booted out of the nest. She won’t go back! Maybe she will. I don't know.
Yeah, I know that C is a lump. I don’t know what else to say about that. He is lazy and doesn’t have any ambition. That is something we can’t change. I can force him to do things, but what exactly would the point be to that? It’s not him doing it. When he leaves home in two years, he may or may not rise to the challenge. I am just sick of hearing how hard I am on him as well. Or I’m not hard enough. Well, which is it?
K is a drama queen. No, really? I hadn’t noticed. Could it possibly be because she gets so many conflicting view points? Should I be pissed that both of her grandmothers tore down any self esteem the child may have developed? Tearing down the cheerleading that she was so freakin’ good at? She doesn’t want to do anything now. She won’t even try. So thanks folks! And yeah, Mom. You are harder on her than you are on everyone else. I don’t know where that animosity comes from. You did it to me as well. You know you did.
B is a little turd. Yeah he is. I spoil him rotten. I don’t make him mind. You’re right. I don’t. I’ve lost the will. I am always wrong. I can’t do it anymore.
And Ru. Well, what can I say about you? As much as I love you, I knew what I was marrying. But I did it anyway. So now I just have to accept it. Accept that my job is to be there for you. With no questions. To deal with your need to be with the guys every now and then. To deal with your need to play music to the exclusion of the entire household. I do this. I do it without complaint because I UNDERSTAND it! But the minute I may need to go do something for myself, you are left…how did you put it…oh, yeah…”holding the bag”. Funny, I don’t recall ever saying anything to that effect to you. It just serves to make me feel guilty for not being there for you and the kids 24/7. You leave me alone with the kids EVERY day. I get up with the kids every morning and get them ready for school. You are asleep the whole time. I don’t ask you to do it unless I am so sick I can’t move. How many times has that happened? Once in the last six years! Then, I come home every night to get homework completed and dinner on the table. Sure, we do eat leftovers and crap more than we should. Because I don’t want to do anything anymore!!! I don’t have the energy or haven’t you noticed? After dinner, it’s bath time and bedtime. Usually, you are strolling in sometime between bath time and bedtime. Don’t I normally look frazzled? So yeah, I’m going to be a flippin’ bum and sit on the couch in front of the tube even with your disdain. I just want to lose myself. I don’t want to run screaming from the house. That is what I feel like doing…So what if I sit down on a Saturday morning and read with the kids running around making a mess? Who cares. It gets cleaned up eventually. Who says the house has to be spotless all the damn time? Oh yeah. That would be your mom. That is a whole new barrel of fun to open up. Your mom. Wow, I don’t think I have ever met someone so judgmental in my whole life. At least I can talk to my mom about what she does. She may get mad about it, but she does see reason occasionally. Your mother hates me. She does. And not only that, but she treats our children badly. You talk about my mom’s sarcasm? Huh! Have you ever heard your mom talk about K’s butt? It’s no wonder the child refuses to wear anything nice. It is not too small! She looks perfect to me…And when will you say anything to her? Oh that’s right. Why should you bother? She is never going to change or see reason. You have already told me that. I just need to “accept” it. HA! How about her accepting that I am not going to run away because she is mean to me? How about her accepting that my way of raising the kids is not hers and that’s how it is going to be!?! You know, I may not be perfect, but I am the best that I can be most of the time. Our kids are good kids. They have issues, but what person on this planet doesn’t?? Good grief!

So I’m angry. And I’m hurt. And I’m confused. I’ll figure it out. I always do, don’t I?!

And the hate does nothing but hurt everyone. Are you hurt now? I bet you are...I'm sorry...