Halloween

Okay, so I am posting here again. I'm hoping you read this.

Yes, I saw you on Halloween. I thought I would react differently. I thought I would feel something toward you: anger, disgust, disbelief. But I didn't. I felt indifferent. And then I was laughing at you. I had my head held up. You, however, attempted to hide your face. Shame? Ha, you can't feel shame. You just didn't want a confrontation. Randy said that you told him that Lee would never leave you. You could do what you wanted and he would stay. Sorry, bitch. That didn't happen did it? I think you have now discovered that you fucked with the wrong wife. One of your cousins recently told me that you target married men and try to destroy families. You get them to leave their wives and then you dump them. It's a pattern. And a sick one. You call yourself a "fixer". What a load of bullshit. Why don't you try fixing yourself? Stop screwing around in other people's lives and fix your own. You owe it to your son, you stupid whore! He doesn't deserve a mother like you. Your adopted mother doesn't deserve a daughter like you. You parade around needing attention and love when all you need to do is love yourself. I have my issues. I am not perfect. But I have enough respect for myself to do the right thing. I don't have to go screwing around to get my kicks. My insecurities come from a lifetime of bitches like you fucking with my life. You say Sam looks like a man? Have you looked in a mirror lately? Photoshop can't fix ugly on the inside...
So next time you see me in town, run. If Jayden is not with you, it is on. All you had to do was apologize. That's it. I would have turned the other direction and moved on. But you couldn't do it. You blame me. But see, you have been after Randy for years. It took him a long time to finally succumb. And Why? Because he loves me. You pounced when we thought I was going to die. Smooth. You are an opportunist and a little girl. You could be so much more. But you choose this path. You choose it. It's sad and pathetic. I just feel sorry for you. But mostly I feel sorry for your son. What a great role model you are! That's sarcasm, ignorant one.
I will probably come back here and post hoping against hope that you will read this. Because I find your stupidity amusing. Hiding your face! HA! Did you see us laughing before you I saw you? Did you see my family still intact? That's because I am a strong woman. I am all you will never be. I CAN do anything. Because I am better than you. And I always will be. You will never measure up. You don't even know where to start. And you make me laugh. Because of how pathetic you are. Keep hiding. I won't! My integrity is still intact. My head is held high. And I will continue to live my life with dignity and honor. Something you will never know. It's really too bad. I saw potential there for so much more. Behind your pain and anguish and the mask you wore. I saw you, but cared anyway. You will never know what that feels like. My heart is huge. I like it that way. I care about people other than myself. And I will continue to do so. Yes, you can get hurt. But the payoff is amazing! You will never see that. You are so sad.
Lee will be better off without you. I am happy for him. He's young. And adorable. You may have messed him up but he will be okay in the long run. Because he is a good man. And you fucked that up royal. So grow the fuck up and deal. Or keep hiding...I will keep on laughing in your face. Ha Ha bitch.

My worry

At my posting on July 29th, I did not know what I know now. I thought I was worried about finances. Turns out it was my instincts. This happens to me over and over again. I never in a million years believed that it would happen again.
So, I will not be posting here again. My blog is compromised. I can no longer share my thoughts here. It is no longer a sanctuary for my thoughts. It is not safe.
You know what you have done. If you read this, I want you to know that I am not worried about you any more. You cannot harm my family any more. We will grow and be stronger. You are not a factor in our lives. If you show up years down the road with any expectations for help, don't expect any. You cannot be honest and tell me what I need to know; You do not deserve any help from me. If there is a babe involved, be assured that things will not work out as you want. They won't. You will not be happy with what I have planned for you. I don't give a crap what you want or what you do. I wish you more pain and misery than you have had in the past. You are a spoiled, selfish piece of trash. My family and all in it have thrown you away. So go fuck yourself.

A little rain may fall...

Today I have been humbled. It is raining here in my little town. Not much, but enough to soak the skin of a little old lady walking her cart down the street. I was sitting in my van leaving the parking lot of the convenience store where I had just purchased a coffee and a large bottle of water and truth be told a package of streusel cakes that I love and shouldn't eat. I was thinking how things are so crummy right now with not having enough money to pay the car payment and not being able to buy groceries since I have spent nearly everything I have on school supplies for all four children (and college supplies are freaking expensive). But my kids need the stuff so there it is. My irritation with traffic and the rain is generally making me a cranky person not to mention that my cycle just started and my head is still sore from the massive headache I had last night. Hormones. Gotta love it! Anyway, as I sit there cursing the weather and my crappy luck, I look out my windshield and there she is: a tiny little woman pushing a little cart ahead of her. She has her hood up on her sweatshirt but it is obvious this frail woman is going to get soaked. She walks by me without looking up and keeps heading down the sidewalk. I smiled a little. Not sure what I was thinking, but smiled. At that moment, a place opened up in traffic and I pulled out passing the lady on the sidewalk. My impulse was to drive on and get to work. I was coming in early so I could leave early and get Manders ready to leave tomorrow. But something made me turn around and roll down my window. I hollered to her. "Ma'am. Would you like a ride?" She didn't hear me at first. I had to yell a little louder. She walked over to the window and I hopped out to put her cart in my van. She didn't think it would fit. It did. She asked if I knew her. I told her I did not. She was headed to the food pantry because she had to feed her grandkids that were staying with her. Not sure where the mom is and I didn't ask. She was tiny and old. Teeth bad, yellow-gray hair. But clean and friendly. And when I looked in her eyes, I could see her spirit shining through. Her blue eyes sparkled at me when she thanked me for the ride. And as I dropped her off and took her cart out of the van and walked her to the door, I felt a little different about my situation. This tiny woman has not given up. She goes on even though things aren't the way she hoped they would be. She has no car or money. But she has a roof over her head and grandbabies that love her. The food pantry helps her to feed them but she doesn't need much. And her eyes...they had so much life! She was humble and sweet and I just pray that she will continue to feel the love of those grandbabies and that there will always be a stranger to pick her up and take her where she needs to go. With peace to her and yours. LOVE...