Another week down

So I was sitting here contemplating whether or not I felt like mowing the lawn and the perfect procrastination was right here waiting for me! Actually, I do have to take some money to Cam for the big celebration today (the band won another championship this weekend) and Kieren forgot her violin for practice after school. I do have a couple of things to do on a timeline.
I suppose I should get my stuff together and formulate a plan. I don't know if I want to work at a freakin' gas station, but it is a job. Since we want to move away next year, I seriously shouldn't worry if it doesn't turn out to be my optimum career choice. I am so conflicted that it is hard to manuever. I fell apart on my poor hubby last night. I go around with a big smile on my face and seem to be fine. Then, BAM! Here comes the emotion. I really want to know what I am good at! I want to find a job that will be fulfilling! Is that wrong?? I guess those that find themselves with those type of jobs know themselves pretty well. That is what my real problem is. I don't really know what I'm good at and what I really love to do. I am having a hard time figuring it all out. It's a sad state of affairs, my friend.
I guess I've got some soul searching to do...meanwhile, I'm gonna go scrub a toilet! Yeah, buddy, that's the ticket!! After all, a clean house is a sign of a cluttered mind!!

One more thing

If you happen to be reading the post below and want to drag my sis in the middle, think again. For one, you shouldn't even be reading this. And two, she has nothing to do with my opinions. And finally, if you have something you feel you need to say, send it to me. I'll be happy to have a "discussion" with you.
It will just be your own selfishness if you bring Lynds into the middle of this. I just write what I see. You don't like it, stop reading this blog and get a life! Ta ta, snookums!!

The month that never ends...

I thought I would put up a quick little blurb, but it may turn into a rant. Let's just see how it goes. I'm still searching for work, but have put in some apps in good places. I found out last night that one of the jobs I had applied for was filled (that came from the rumor mill, not the employer). It would be nice if they would give me a call and let me know instead of letting me hang...oh, well. I guess I should give them a call today to verify. I'm still looking. Living on unemployment is not going to work with band season starting tomorrow...

My sister's visit is going well. She goes home soon. She has had a couple of issues with the people out in Fairfield since she's been here. One was a miscommunication with a girlfriend. But I think it will work out eventually. The girlfriend better get her shit together though. Accusing your best friend of something without the evidence to back it up and knowing that your best friend would never do something like that in the first place is really bogus. Seriously. And then there's the ominous message about some family that may possibly have a health issue. But instead of just calling my house like normal people, the woman just sends my sis a message on Myspace without details. My sis is not happy about it at all. She really doesn't want to talk to any of them right now. She's very angry and hurt. I know that she will eventually get over it, but she needs time to process. It would help if our father would contact her himself instead of sending his bodyguards. I frankly am not holding my breath for him to grow a pair. Of course, my sis is hurting right now and she just lashes out. We were sitting around the campfire the other night and I could see the pain inside of her. It's the same pain I had. It's the same pain that Brian had. We all just deal with it in different ways. I am fine with the way I am now. Lynds, however, still needs her dad. He was her hero and he let her down. It's a freakin' shame. I could have sworn that my own mother told our father at my brother's funeral that he better get his shit together and take care of Lynds. That he better not do the same shit to her that he did to me and Brian. Unfortunately, as with everything else in his life, it all comes down to what is good for him. Screw the kids. And you know, Dad, if you happen to be plugged in to my blog for some unknown reason (maybe you like pain?), this is the truth. That's why you get angry at me. Deal with it, sweetheart. You said it best: You can't fix stupid. If that's what you think, whatev. You are not my problem. Lynds misses you and you can't take five minutes of your precious time to call her. Who's stupid?? Yeah, got you there, didn't I?! What kills me is seeing how badly you have hurt her. You don't even have a clue, do you? It's not about the money, dearie. It's never been. It's about you lying about it. Use that cranium of yours and figure it out. Don't leave it for the wifey to deal with. It's obvious she doesn't give shit one about your daughter. If she did, she would treat her better. Grow some fuckin' 'nads and deal with your children! I know why Lynds' friends all think you are so great: they don't have to live with you! You put on your show for them and you are super dad! Ta da! As soon as they are gone, you go off to pleasure yourself once again, leaving your child to the whims of the step mommy and her offspring. Woo hoo! What an awesome dad you are! NOT! Get a clue.
So maybe I am angry. So what. I get mad when someone I love gets hurt. Lynds didn't ask to be your daughter. She was given to you as a gift. But have you treated her as such? Did you give her wings so she can grow? No. Only ultimatums and criticism. Of course, they didn't fall from your lips, did they? You wouldn't want to get your hands dirty. You know it in your heart. No one has asked for you to be "perfect", daddy dear. Only present. Haven't you figured this out yet?? You are 60 years old, for Pete's sake!
Okay. Ranting won't fix it. I know this. I am very angry with you, dad. You know that. But I'm not angry for me anymore. I'm angry for Lynds. I have prayed that she would never have to feel like I have felt. But that is not to be. She will continue to feel abandoned her entire life. You are the only one that can fix that. YOU! The rest of us can love her and support her, but nothing replaces a father's love. NOTHING. I know this. I still ache inside. I still carry the pain. But I live. And I live well. There are days when I still hurt so bad I want to cry. But I don't. You are no longer worthy of my tears. And for those that say get over it, fuck you. You don't know me. You haven't lived my life. You don't have that bond I had with my father. He was a good dad to us, Brian and me. Until he left...without word, without care. Lynds is feeling this now. He could do no wrong in her eyes. He could fix anything, walk on water, mend her broken heart. And now, he just ignores her. There's a void there. An emptiness. And only her father can fix that. So what will you do? Most likely, you will do nothing. Because it's easier. Because you won't have to deal with her pain. Because you are too busy in your new life with your new family to give the little bit extra. Even if you are in Pittsburg once a week. You are right there and can't even pick up the fucking phone. What a coward!

Good luck to you, Rick. For the record, I don't want to see you on my doorstep in ten years when your health is failing and you have no one else. You'll be looking for your way in to Heaven. But if you show up, I don't know what I'll do. After all, I have my mother's big heart. And you haven't completely destroyed it. You or your new wife and her children. You really don't know me at all...

This past week

A lot of things have happened this week. I am officially unemployed. I knew it was coming but that doesn't make it any easier. I think we will be okay for a little while anyway. We have a touch of savings and I've already applied for unemployment. During my job search registration, I think I may have found a job that will be just perfect for me. I have to wait until my registration is complete, but it's promising.
I also finally had the mammogram on Tuesday. There is a small lump in my right breast, but the good news is it is nothing to worry about. I am having an ultrasound done this coming Thursday to make sure everything will be okay, but the surgeon was not worried in the least (and you know he would cut me open in a heartbeat, if he could)!
The funny thing about all this is that I am not really that upset about it. I think that this may be the opportunity to do something new. And I'm actually feeling optimistic about things. Except one little glitch I wasn't expecting. Cam got fired last night from his job. That really sucks because he was doing so well and now...well, we'll see how it goes from here. It was a blow to his self esteem for sure. He just has to work through it.
I do have some awesome news! My sister is coming out to see me!! Yeah! I'm really excited about her being here. But I'm nervous too. We haven't spent this much time together since I lived with her...and she was what 6 years old?! She's 20 now and quite the party animal. I am no where near it! I'm pretty boring if you want to know the truth! It should be good for both of us!
Okay, I gotta go put the kids to bed. We've got to get back to school schedule. They go back in less than two weeks. Poor kids. Hopefully we'll get in a trip to the water park before they go back...I have the time!
Be good! I'll let you know how the next appointment turns out!

A moment

This morning I thought I would just shoot a quick post up here about my weekend. I went with my hubby and the two littlest chillren to see The Dark Knight at the drive-in. Yeah, an actual drive-in. Not the best picture and sound quality, but the kids absolutely love it. And where else are you going to see two movies for the price of one. The second movie was Journey to the Center of the Earth. Both were very good, but I have to say I am so so very sad that Heath is gone. That was one of the most incredibly creepy performances I have ever seen. It was absolutely amazing!
The rest of the weekend was very relaxing and I for one, am very happy with it. Chores got done and there was much rock band going on. I also thoroughly enjoyed my hubby's company.

And, if you are reading this Randy, thank you...for everything. I think I officially remember all the reasons I fell in love with you...

AC Fair

Thought I would share a few shots of the local fair. I have more, but not here at the office (I know, shame on me.). The one below is probably my fav because I look happy and fairly attractive. And my cutest little boy is in it!

This pic is of Amanda, Kavin (her boytoy) and me later in the evening. We were goofin' around and having a good time. Why not!

It's really hard to see but Kavin, Amanda, Kieren and Brendan are all on the big slide. I think Kavin had the "best" time! And the biggest smile!!

I am working hard on staying positive this week. But with all the crap going on, it's not easy.

Let's just say that Randy has finally decided that his parents are not going to be a part of our lives for very much longer. His mom showed him her true colors yesterday. I'll have to update everyone on that one later. I have to go shoot a printer right now.

Lake pics

The Ussery Clan

The Tilford Clan


The Campbell Clan

The three gentlemen in question are the reason that this many people try to cohabitate for a week every year in a tiny three bedroom lake house in Indiana. Maybe we are all crazy!!

Doctors

Saw the doc today. I am scheduled for a mammogram next Tuesday. They think that I just have a minor infection so that's good!! But we are going on with the tests to make sure that's all it is. It's a possibility that my thyroid gland is acting up and causing part of the problem. I'm having that panel of tests done too. So now, it's just the waiting game.

I have to go back to work now, but wanted to update the people that want to know...

TGIF

It has been a long week. Full of emotion and such. Didn't manage to put one minute into exercising all week and probably blew the 5 lb loss I had at the lake, but I'm fine with that.

I have an appointment on Monday to find out what the hell is going on with me. Seems I'm having some sort of breast issue. It's probably nothing but an infection, but I just want to be sure. Hopefully, I can be scheduled for a mammogram and everything will become clear. And maybe, just maybe they can discover what the hell is going on with my hormones and such. I'll have to keep you up to date, faithful readers.

My sister wants to come out and visit me this summer. I am really happy to have her come out. It's really boring here for a 20 year old, but some quality time with us would be good for all. I don't know what she will do for a whole month, but if that's what she wants to do, I'm all for it.

Manda's boy is out this week. He's hanging out at the house with the kids while we work. Poor kid. Bored out of his skull, I'm sure. But he loves Manda so that's that.

I also had some "great" news. My employer informed me that if things don't pick up soon, they'll have to lay me off. Well, I'm so glad I stuck around without a raise for more than three years for that fine how-do-you-do! And I just got my loan originator license and I can't use it! What do you know!! Ah, I would really like to be positive....it just gets so hard sometimes.

We are going to the fair tonight. Randy is working for the band boosters and meeting us in the carnival to ride the rides. I don't do well on carnival rides anymore, but the kids are dying to go. So we will go and I will have a good time, dammit!! I'll post pictures over the weekend if I can get my brain in gear. I have some awesome ones from the lake that turned out magnifico!!

And, Greg, if you are reading this: Thanks for worrying about us. You are a good friend. But I miss your rants and I've been patiently waiting for a new one for more than a year! Geez!! Nah, I really do appreciate your calls. We have got to get together sometime! Maybe meet in the middle somewhere?? Give me a shout and we'll work something out...

Lake trip

So we just got back last night. I wish I had more positive stuff to say, but I don't. I need a vacation from my vacation. I wanted to be relaxed and rejuvenated. Didn't happen.
I guess I'm just not cut out to be a normal person. I think I must be crazy. No, I am just having some sort of weird hormonal episode or something. I started my cycle during my vacation. Of course, I wasn't due to start until next weekend, but, hey, that's how my life is! So I was tired from the rock concert outing (4 a.m. return time and 45 minutes of comedy central when we got back). And then the fun begins. Well, faithful reader, I'm sure you know exactly how I feel about disrespectful children. And stupid parents that allow it. I guess I have no more to say on that. That should be enough right there. I just don't get how a parent can allow a child to have privileges they haven't earned. You don't go around fixing your kids' screw ups and then reward them for the behavior. You just don't. It's ridiculous. How is a kid ever gonna learn? But then this kid is not mine and it shouldn't even bother me. So why does it?
I wish I could have had a better time, but my own hormonal, emotional stupidity got in the way. It could have something to do with the doc appt I have coming up. Hopefully, it is something repairable. If not...who knows what will happen? At least I have a decent life insurance policy...the kids will be financially set for college and beyond. I just hope I'm around to see them...
Ah, this is so depressing. I'm done for today. Tommorrow will be better. It has to be...

Some of my blessings

I never really thought much about how blessed I was...that is part of my problem...these little angels (with horns) make my life so much better...

June 22, 2008 - Chillin' out with my littlest ones after a hard night of Rock Band

Yes, we really are this goofy! My kids are some of the most interesting people I've ever known.

I love them so much! I can't even imagine leaving them behind.

Parents should feel this way. It's how we are built. I have never understood how a parent, a good parent, could ever walk away from a child. But it is not my place to understand. It is only my place to live through it. And not have my kids live through it. I will NEVER abandon my kids because of my own selfishness. I will NEVER be like my own parents. Isn't that the lament of every child? I suppose it's a blessing that I have such bad examples to look to! HA!

And I still can't wait to get to the lake! Only 4 more days. I just hope my van is repaired in time. If not, we'll deal with it, I guess. Rent a car, borrow the in-law's truck. At least we have the money to do that! Finally!!

Now if I could only win that Powerball.....

One Week

Only one more week! Only one! I cannot wait!!!!

The lake is calling me...Margaritas and Mojitos...quiet evenings with awesome friends! I absolutely cannot wait!

Leaving June 28th and won't be back for 8 whole days! YES!! I will be burned but relaxed when I get home...and in case you didn't know...I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!

Smiles

Here is something else that makes me smile:

Brendan is so cute. This is us going shopping. He loves to shop! Just like his Dad!!

Walking

I have walked to work twice this week. Today, it is pouring rain, but I walked anyway. It felt good to get out there and stretch my legs. I want to be able to actually do some hiking when we go to the Smoky Mountains this August. I don't want to be the one to hold the group back. So I am going to keep walking.
But beyond that...on my walks I have been taking my own advice. Today, I stopped by my neighbor's yard. Their yard is so gorgeous. They spend so much time working in it with pride and it shows. (I actually stopped one day while out walking when I spotted the Mr. in the yard and told him I really appreciated all the hard work they put in. It's absolutely beautiful. He just smiled). They have a beautiful rose bush right next to the fence. It is in full bloom and so lovely. The perfume of the blooms just transported me. I had to stop and just breathe in deep.
As I continued my walk under my umbrella, I came across a number of people driving along, looking frumpy. After all, it is raining and gray out. I hope the smiles I gave to each and every one brightened their day. A few even smiled back...I may have changed a mood today...that makes me smile...

Thankful

A friend sent this to me today. I thought it was very sweet. I know that we take a lot for granted, so I am sharing this with you, my faithful readers (all one of you!):

I AM THANKFUL:
FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING, AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.


And I am thankful:

For a husband that even though he comes home late most evenings, HE COMES HOME.
For kids that irritate me with their energy because they are healthy!
For friends that listen to me complain and laugh with me for all the stupid things that happen to my life mostly because of my own doing.
For having a place to come to everyday and make a little money to help pay for my kids activities. They would be miserable without them.
For having a place to lay my head down every night and not worry that I will be shot while I'm sleeping.
And so many other things...

Positivity

I was lying on my bed this morning after the kids got on the bus thinking about stuff. Nothing heavy, just plans for the day, what I would be wearing, if I would be able to get to the bank, you know, normal stuff. Randy asked me what I was thinkin' 'bout. And it occurred to me that a lot of my time I spend thinking about stuff. And not doing. And then I started thinking about this little blog of mine. I definitely took a turn for the dark side there for a while. I think that the winter does it to me. I get so depressed sometimes. That is probably why I love the spring so much...you know, re-birth and all that. This is not to say that there are no issues in my head. Oh, no, no. That is not true. There are many things that bother me, but I am not going to allow them to rule my life any longer.

Do I want to tell my m-i-l off? Of course! But I'm not going to. Do I want to kick someone's butt for not getting me anything for mother's day? Yes, but again; I'm not going to. There's no point in it. I get myself all in a tizzy about stupid crap. It's not worth the drain to my psyche.

So this morning I did something positive. I walked to work. Oh, yes, walked. It's just over a mile and it's all uphill (only one way, geez!). It took me about 17 minutes and I was hot and sweaty when I got here. But the amazing thing was how I felt. It's a beautiful day: Blue skies, light breeze, warm air, blooming trees and flowers. Gorgeous! How can you not feel great when you can walk in that beauty?!? How many times do you just drive by in a hurry to get to your next thing? I do it. Cam's gotta go to work, we have a band meeting, we have this, we have to do that. With the good weather, we should all take the time to enjoy it. You never know when it can all be taken away.

Stop and smell the roses...and lillies...and mums...and jasmine...and whatever else may be blooming in your neighborhood.

Mother's Day

How can you not smile when you see these two? Just a small reason why I am so blessed...

My boys...

And my oldest...

I couldn't ask for more beautiful children. Not only are they intelligent, attractive and thoughtful, but they are healthy and so much fun to be around.

Thank you babies for enriching my life...

Random goofiness

Are you really serious? Do you really think you become invisible when you are inside your car? I mean, come on...get a tissue or something. There's nothing quite like driving by someone at an intersection and they are mining their nose like they might find buried treasure! WTF??

And, what of those folks that beep at you at a stop sign?! Do they really think I am just sitting there to inconvenience them? I just couldn't possibly be stopped AT A STOP SIGN because there might be traffic coming down the road. I especially love this when the person behind me cannot see past me and my mighty minivan!

I have no hope for the intelligence of this world! (Well, maybe I do...it's just funny!)

Good things

You know, I realized that I mostly blog about crap in my life. So here is a short post about something absolutely awesome that has happened in our lives!

My oldest children have been part of a fantastic marching band. Most of the people I know already know the details:

18 Kentucky State Championships
1 Bands of America Regional Championship (2007)
2 Bands of America National Championships (2005 and 2007)

They are hard-working and dedicated. They really bust their butts to be the best of the best and it shows in everything they do. But here is the ultimate dream: Mr. Tim Allen, band director extraordinaire, wanted to go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Of course, he thought they would never look at our tiny little small town band even with all the accolades. But with some not-so-gentle nudging from the percussion guy, Doug Neal, he decided to apply. We just found out that our little band with the big sound is going to be performing in The Parade in 2009!! We are the smallest high school band ever accepted! And we are one of only 8 high school bands to make it and the only 1 from Kentucky. 500 bands applied to give you an idea of the absolute scale of this acheivement. I can't even tell you how proud I am of these kids. And this would be a great example of how hard work and high hopes can acheive great things.

An example of their show from last year (2007):

Life in general

Things are crazy around here. Life has been more difficult lately. I think I will have to find a new job by the end of the week. I have to have Fridays off until further notice. Not sure what I'm going to do over the summer, but I have a few weeks to figure it out. Without Mom here, it's just crazy.
Cam got a job. He started last week at Sonic. He loves it! I'm pretty amazed. He's doing very well. He also got his ACT scores back last week. He scored a 31 out of 32. That pretty much guarantees him a full ride just about anywhere he wants to go. One more year of high school and he'll be out on his own. He's looking forward to it. I just hope he decides which school he wants to go to. I think he may go to Eastern with his sister. It may be a comfort thing...At least if he chooses Eastern, I already know what to expect. They also have an awesome Honors program that will completely pay his tuition, dorm and books. We'll just have to do the food. I think that should be do-able.
Amanda re-applied to Eastern for the fall. We should be hearing something soon. She can't wait to get back. Working 40 hours a week with no chance of advancement has really got her moving. I still have to nudge her a bit...
Brendan will be 5 tomorrow. Little turd. He is so crazy. He reminds me of my brother so much. He gets that mischief in his eyes and I just want to cry from missing Brian so much. It would be different I suppose if he didn't look so much like him too.
Kieren looks just like me. She acts like me too. Pretty scary. I just hope that Randy and I can offer her the support I never had. We just have to remain constant and stable. I think that will be all she needs besides our love of course.
So now that the abandonment continues, I suppose I should just get over that too. I hope that the people that have treated me this way get paid back even a fraction. That would be great. I just have to wait for that. I am too good of a person to cause that kind of pain.
And if you are reading this looking for something to start, go away! I'm tired of worrying about what you think. YOU DON'T MATTER TO ME ANYMORE! So take your "happiness" and leave me alone. 'Nuff said.

Life in general

Many things have been happening lately in my life that I cannot explain. I am fighting unbearable sadness. But I no longer feel I can come here and type out my feelings and frustrations.
I feel I have been violated by people that don't even know me. They take my opinions and voice and twist it and turn it to their own purpose. So where can I go now to feel safe?
You have done it. Are you proud of yourself? Do you even know what you do? I cannot believe that I am feeling this way. How have I allowed this to happen?
Oh, you think you're clever, don't you? Well, I have one thing to say. Once I get my mind settled, you will not beat me. Do you hear me? You will not win.
So screw you and the horse you fucked to get in! Take your attitude and your bullshit and shove it!
I will continue on. And if you don't like it, too bad!

Things continue to occur...

Well, how about this? Why don't you (and you know who you are) take a flying leap? Stop reading my blog if it is hurtful to you! I don't use names or anything so no one will really know who I'm talking about unless they know me.
So why don't you take your own advice and just disappear from my life? I don't know you and I don't want to know you! Or your little family. And, Dad, if you are reading this, I had hope that one day we could speak again. Maybe even be friendly. But not now. I did nothing to you at all. And, Lynds. I don't even know what to say to you. I had high hopes that one day you would see me for who I am and not the person that was created for you, but I was so wrong. As I said previously, I did not know that you moved out on your own. I only knew that I had several emails from you and your mom saying you were out of your dad's house and you needed me. I was upset by that because I didn't want to see you hurt like I was. I'm glad you moved out on your own, but I was pissed that your stepsisters were treating you like shit. Did I go after them? No, I'm not your fucking babysitter! You can take care of yourself. Too bad no one else believes that. I was writing in my own space when you all came in and took a peek. So you didn't like what you saw? Oh well. That is not my problem. That's what you get for reading my truth! I didn't go around reading your blogs on your pages trying to find out information to create drama. It's just not that important to me. So go on and be happy somewhere else. Stop shitting in my yard.

Peace.

Daffodils

I found this on another blog. It has changed my outlook on life for sure. Have you ever had one of those Dr. Phil "lightbulb moments"? This was mine. Wow...

The Daffodil Principle

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead "I will come next Tuesday", I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

"Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!"

My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother."

"Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her.

"But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."

"Carolyn," I said sternly, "please turn around."

"It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, " Daffodil Garden ." We got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.








It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. There were five acres of flowers.

"Who did this?" I asked Carolyn.

"Just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home."

Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.





On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking", was the headline.

The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read.

The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain."

The third answer was, "Began in 1958."

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.
That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things.

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"

Use the Daffodil Principle.

Stop waiting ....

Until your car or home is paid off

Until your kids leave the house

Until you finish school

Until you organize the garage

Until you clean off your desk

Until you lose 10 lbs.

Until you get married

Until you have kids

Until the kids go to school

Until you retire

Until summer, spring, winter, or fall;

There is no better time than right now to be happy.


Be Happy! How simple...

Things do occur...

Anyone that is familiar with my life knows that stuff seems to happen to me. Not just the typical stuff, but really stupid stuff. I handle it with minimal fuss. I just am who I am.

My father has always been a sore point in my life. He pretty much has the ability to trash everyone around him and make it look like the other person's fault. I have moved beyond this by not speaking to him. He is outside of my life. He can look in anytime he wants as long as he does not disturb my family. He doesn't send my kids birthday cards or christmas presents. And they don't even know he's alive. Well, my oldest kids do, but they don't ask about him. They understand how I feel. For those that don't know, I have a sister. She is ten months older than my oldest child. We have never been really "close" as we have so many years between us. That does not mean, however, that we don't love each other. That has never been an issue. As she got older and my dad and her mom got a divorce, things became strained between us. She had a great relationship with dad and didn't understand why I did not. I did not want her to know all the things he had done to my brother and I before she came along. Well, to make a long story short, she finally nagged me into telling her the truth. Let's just say we didn't speak for a long time. I was accused of being on her mother's side. I don't think I was on anyone's side but hers but hey, what do I know?! We started building our relationship after my grandfather's funeral in 06. She missed the attack on my person by dad and our mutual step-monster, thankfully. We have been talking and I finally got to spend a wonderful weekend with my sis last October. It was just the two of us. It was great. I think she finally realized that I love her for who she is and we can be friends AND sisters. It's great! And I got her to wear a dress...Rennaissance style! (see below) Yeah, buddy. And since my sis is a rugby player, you know a dress is a HUGE deal...During this time, she has been slowly building a relationship with her mom again. It's been slow going but things were looking up. Now the real drama begins. My idiot father decided that he would throw my sis out. She moves in with mom. And I don't know the whole story except that I knew it was coming. When the child no longer is appealing to my dad, he throws you to the wolves. You are trash. You don't do exactly as he requires, you are garbage. I hate that she has to go through this. But it was inevitable. He is what he is. As my hubby says, it's all tigers and stripes.

So, Lynds, if you are reading this, you are not alone. And I still love you.

This is me and my sis in October of 2007.

A new year

Wow. It's already the freakin' 14th! What happened?!

Well, the 13th was the anniversary of our first date...15 years ago. Yeah! So we had a banana split just like we did then. It was nice. The kids were all in bed and we were just hanging out. Finishing up laundry and watching the tube. We don't get much chance to do that lately. I am really making a conscious effort to put the negativity behind me.

Let me go back a bit. We talked to A about returning to college. Turns out the funds are just not there. She had to drop out. Hopefully, she will be able to make enough money working for a living to go back in the fall. She just needs to get her butt in gear. Well, we had to go to Richmond to drop her classes and gather her belongings from her dorm room. She had to withdraw from her contracts and all that. As things have been a bit shaky for the hubby and I, it was hard to tell him that we would be home late and he would be watching the babies (see previous posts for reasoning behind the anxiety). I haven't exactly been feeling like my self lately. I say that a lot. It's so true. Anyway, we came in late and I was really tired. I couldn't even have a normal conversation with R. I just started crying and acting like an idiot. But something good came out of it. We were finally able to talk a little. And the ice was broken. That was Friday night. We had friends over Saturday and had such a good time. Mema was in a great mood (helped by beer!). It was great! So Sunday we took down the decorations from Xmas and got the living room back in order. Did laundry and all the normal Sunday stuff. It was a good day. And the night...well, I don't even want to talk about it. It was amazing...right, honey? And yes, you are SO worth it.

I'm going to bask in this for a little while. I don't get to feel like this often. I'm not going to let my idiot employer ruin it for me...

Much love...