This is stupid

Okay, so I can't post every day without a computer! Yeah. My sweet hubby has one for me, but no monitor, keyboard....ummmm, no desk either. Don't want to put it in the dining room and have the kids destroy it again. And I definitely don't want Cam looking at porn again on my computer. I did not find that amusing on my laptop.

The reason for no computer: Manders took it with her to college. She needed one and has no credit. Oh, and no job either. Yeah, kinda mandatory, you know. She left Tuesday. We got her to the dorm and she started band camp that afternoon. We both handled it without tears. It was close though. Those came Wednesday night. She called and wanted to come home. And you know it took everything I had not to hang up the phone and drive over there to get her. But I held it together, kept it positive and convinced her that she could do this. Then I promptly got off the phone and bawled my eyes out. God, I miss that girl. But we have to let our children go and be who they need to be. At least that's what I keep telling myself. So last night she called and she is doing SO much better. She went to a freshman party (put on by the college, okay!) and ran into someone from high school. They hit it off which is quite funny since they couldn't stand each other here. Of course, they never talked so how would they know?! And Manders is having a blast. She's already been singled out in band by the director. Which is a good thing!! She was responsible for getting the flutes in tune. That is a big deal!! I'm very proud of her. She also has her books and is ready for classes to start on Monday. She's been invited to a party Sunday night with a bunch of older college kids. I told her to go for it! Also asked her to be responsible and remember all I've taught her. She can't do alcohol; it tears up her stomach. But you know how people can be.

So now for the update on the weight issue: I don't think I can get on here every day and put down what I eat. I've been doing a little research and I think I have been doing myself a disservice. I haven't been getting enough calories. I have been eating less than a thousand a day (except last Friday....yikes!!). So my body thinks it's starving. Also, I hopped on the scale and my weight is exactly the same. No drop or increase. I think I walked about 3 miles on Tuesday (we walked back and forth on the campus and it is huge!!) I felt so good afterward...physically. My thighs and calves felt great even the day after. The muscles on the front of my shins were a little sore on Thursday, but good today. So I think that I will just have to start getting up a little earlier and go on walks in the morning. A little at a time. I may even take one of the dogs with me. They sure would love it. Maybe I could trade off and take Ben one day and Joe the next. I just need to get them new collars and a leash that won't break. Had that happen already.

It has been a hell of a week. Everything that is going on in the world upsets me. So much to think about: immigration, war, mine collapses, so much suffering. And all I can say is I am so so very blessed. My kids are mostly healthy (just allergies baby and you can't beat that). They are all so very smart. My hubby loves me and does so much to try to show it even when I don't deserve it. I have some friends that I would do anything for. My mom is still with me and takes such good care of me. And yeah, there are things that could be better, but I know it's just a matter of time before they are....I just have to keep looking forward and stop looking back. So what that my dad isn't there for me. So what that he left. I am who I am because of these things. They have made me stronger. The love that I carry with me, well, I can pass that on to others, right?! I think our greatest gift is the love we have for each other. So maybe it's time I share that instead of the anger. Especially with myself.