The month that never ends...

I thought I would put up a quick little blurb, but it may turn into a rant. Let's just see how it goes. I'm still searching for work, but have put in some apps in good places. I found out last night that one of the jobs I had applied for was filled (that came from the rumor mill, not the employer). It would be nice if they would give me a call and let me know instead of letting me hang...oh, well. I guess I should give them a call today to verify. I'm still looking. Living on unemployment is not going to work with band season starting tomorrow...

My sister's visit is going well. She goes home soon. She has had a couple of issues with the people out in Fairfield since she's been here. One was a miscommunication with a girlfriend. But I think it will work out eventually. The girlfriend better get her shit together though. Accusing your best friend of something without the evidence to back it up and knowing that your best friend would never do something like that in the first place is really bogus. Seriously. And then there's the ominous message about some family that may possibly have a health issue. But instead of just calling my house like normal people, the woman just sends my sis a message on Myspace without details. My sis is not happy about it at all. She really doesn't want to talk to any of them right now. She's very angry and hurt. I know that she will eventually get over it, but she needs time to process. It would help if our father would contact her himself instead of sending his bodyguards. I frankly am not holding my breath for him to grow a pair. Of course, my sis is hurting right now and she just lashes out. We were sitting around the campfire the other night and I could see the pain inside of her. It's the same pain I had. It's the same pain that Brian had. We all just deal with it in different ways. I am fine with the way I am now. Lynds, however, still needs her dad. He was her hero and he let her down. It's a freakin' shame. I could have sworn that my own mother told our father at my brother's funeral that he better get his shit together and take care of Lynds. That he better not do the same shit to her that he did to me and Brian. Unfortunately, as with everything else in his life, it all comes down to what is good for him. Screw the kids. And you know, Dad, if you happen to be plugged in to my blog for some unknown reason (maybe you like pain?), this is the truth. That's why you get angry at me. Deal with it, sweetheart. You said it best: You can't fix stupid. If that's what you think, whatev. You are not my problem. Lynds misses you and you can't take five minutes of your precious time to call her. Who's stupid?? Yeah, got you there, didn't I?! What kills me is seeing how badly you have hurt her. You don't even have a clue, do you? It's not about the money, dearie. It's never been. It's about you lying about it. Use that cranium of yours and figure it out. Don't leave it for the wifey to deal with. It's obvious she doesn't give shit one about your daughter. If she did, she would treat her better. Grow some fuckin' 'nads and deal with your children! I know why Lynds' friends all think you are so great: they don't have to live with you! You put on your show for them and you are super dad! Ta da! As soon as they are gone, you go off to pleasure yourself once again, leaving your child to the whims of the step mommy and her offspring. Woo hoo! What an awesome dad you are! NOT! Get a clue.
So maybe I am angry. So what. I get mad when someone I love gets hurt. Lynds didn't ask to be your daughter. She was given to you as a gift. But have you treated her as such? Did you give her wings so she can grow? No. Only ultimatums and criticism. Of course, they didn't fall from your lips, did they? You wouldn't want to get your hands dirty. You know it in your heart. No one has asked for you to be "perfect", daddy dear. Only present. Haven't you figured this out yet?? You are 60 years old, for Pete's sake!
Okay. Ranting won't fix it. I know this. I am very angry with you, dad. You know that. But I'm not angry for me anymore. I'm angry for Lynds. I have prayed that she would never have to feel like I have felt. But that is not to be. She will continue to feel abandoned her entire life. You are the only one that can fix that. YOU! The rest of us can love her and support her, but nothing replaces a father's love. NOTHING. I know this. I still ache inside. I still carry the pain. But I live. And I live well. There are days when I still hurt so bad I want to cry. But I don't. You are no longer worthy of my tears. And for those that say get over it, fuck you. You don't know me. You haven't lived my life. You don't have that bond I had with my father. He was a good dad to us, Brian and me. Until he left...without word, without care. Lynds is feeling this now. He could do no wrong in her eyes. He could fix anything, walk on water, mend her broken heart. And now, he just ignores her. There's a void there. An emptiness. And only her father can fix that. So what will you do? Most likely, you will do nothing. Because it's easier. Because you won't have to deal with her pain. Because you are too busy in your new life with your new family to give the little bit extra. Even if you are in Pittsburg once a week. You are right there and can't even pick up the fucking phone. What a coward!

Good luck to you, Rick. For the record, I don't want to see you on my doorstep in ten years when your health is failing and you have no one else. You'll be looking for your way in to Heaven. But if you show up, I don't know what I'll do. After all, I have my mother's big heart. And you haven't completely destroyed it. You or your new wife and her children. You really don't know me at all...